letters from a pet rock

pet rock 2September 14, 1975

I’m a birthday present for a little girl. She asked for a kitten, she got me instead. She looked a little disappointed when she opened the box, but I think she kind of likes me. I’m sitting on her dresser now on a bed of hay. She grabbed a baby blanket, cut it up, and wrapped me up in it because she thought I was cold. I’m in love.

September 15, 1975

She thought I was lonely so she brought up a dinner roll from last night’s meal. She calls us her Rock And Roll. Roll is okay, I guess. He’s soft and fluffy now, but by this time tomorrow he’ll be as hard as a…well, me. And then I’ll have to share my blanket with him. Hope he doesn’t snore.

September 16, 1975

Does she play anything else besides that Three Dog Night record? There’s only so much cowbell I can take. I prefer Bob Dylan myself. Especially that one song, I don’t know the title but he sings, “Everybody Must Get Stoned!” Ha ha! Get it? I crack myself up.

September 17, 1975

What’s this? A new diamond necklace in the jewelry box? He thinks he’s so cool being all shiny and stuff. Says he’s really expensive. I think he’s really just a cubic zirconium. I’d like to cut the window with him but I’m a peaceful being.

September 18, 1975

My buddy Roll got thrown out when her mom came in to dust the furniture. Got no one to talk to, except for this funny grassy stuff that her big brother sneaks in here once in a while. I feel sorry for that stuff. Brother lights him on fire every time.

October 5, 1975

I don’t think she likes me anymore. She never wraps me up in the blanket anymore. My hay hasn’t been changed for weeks. It’s starting to smell. She says it’s too hard to potty train me.

October 10, 1975

Brother got busted so no more visits from my grassy friends. That’s too bad because they were always in a good mood. Hungry guys too. They ate up all the Cheetos and Oreo Cookies she hid in her top drawer.

October 31, 1975

It’s Halloween so she’s dressing up as Wonder Woman. She says sometimes people give her rocks in her trick-or-treat bag. I thought, cool, I’ll get some friends. But then she said if that happens, Brother and his friends will smash the neighbor’s windows with them. I wouldn’t mind too much if one of them lands on the dresser next to me. Could use the company.

December 25, 1975

It’s over. Brother got mad at her for breaking his Queen record so he picked me up and screamed, “A rolling stone gathers no moss!” and threw me out the window. I can see him in the house about to drink a 7-Up with a bag of Pop Rocks. Joke’s on him.

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