selling sugar highs to save the economy

Peanut M&M's

Image via Wikipedia

In Russia, girls in bikinis are washing cars to raise money for Vladimir Putin. What a dedicated group of young women who put their own needs aside to raise money for their shirtless leader?

That got me thinking: how can we as Americans bond together to raise money for our ailing economy?

I’m not sure if there are American bikini-clad girls willing to wash cars to stimulate the economy.  If they do they want a Bravo reality show out of it.

So I think we should fall back on the tried-and-true way of fundraising: selling loads and loads of sugary sweets.  It was wildly successful in my day.  When I was on my pom pon squad in high school, we carried around boxes of M&Ms with our books and sold them in the hallways. Between breakfast and lunch, teens couldn’t resist shelling out a buck for a box of the non-melting candy.

But we can’t do that anymore because schools have banned selling sugar during the school day.  They’ve gone all nutritious on us.  So has Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  He’s all like, “I gotta take care of my pomegranate trees,” which is so lame because he’d rather take care of these annoying nutritious treats than figure out how we’re going to get out of debt.

way too healthy (via flickr)

So we can’t sell sweets anymore in school but Washington D.C. has nothing to do with education so I say let interns walk around the White House selling M&Ms every day around 10a.m..

That’s when stomachs are grumbling and they can’t wait for their Satan Sandwich with a side of Satan Fries for lunch.

Let’s sell everything that’s been banned in schools because of sugar content:  bake sales, boxes of toffee, even Girl Scout Cookies! Imagine every February, the girls in their spiffy uniforms traveling from door to door in the Capitol building instead of sitting in front of a grocery stores or risking their lives selling Samoas®, Thin Mints, Do-Si-Dos™, Trefoils, Lemon Chalet Cremes™ and Tagalongs® by the side of the road.

now you're talkin'! (via flickr)

How about a pie-eating contest?  Don’t forget to invite Barney Frank.  What a sight to behold!

Let’s go through the hallways with the candy trolley from the train to Hogwarts and be sure to stock a lot of Pixie Sticks.  Can you imagine President Obama leaning back in his chair pouring one into his mouth?  He might share one with John Boehner but he might have to wait 24 hours before Boehner accepts the invitation.

I wonder what Vice President Biden would do with all that sugar?

He’d probably act like a kindergartener after a birthday party in class:  “Mr. President, Mr. President, Mr. President!  When’s recess?  Is it time to play with Legos now?  how about Tinker Toys?  Lincoln Logs?”

“Not now, Joey,” the President says. “Not ’till you’ve finished balancing the budget.  You can now remove the pencils you’ve thrown into the debt ceiling.”


One comment

  1. Tim Jones · August 19, 2011


    -Knock knock knock
    -who’s there?
    -I hate airports, they make us all feel like criminals, and we have to prove to them that we’re not going blow up or shoes
    -I hate airports, they make us all feel like criminals, and we have to prove to them that we’re not going blow up our shoes. who….?
    Just open the door, I hate knocking and waiting at your door especially when all you do is repeat every thing I say as a question. whats wrong with you anyway!


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